Too... Everything

It’s been an interesting time in my life. A lot of wonderful things happening, and also, I am tired. I have to be honest, as I sit here writing this, I feel a bit exhausted. Recent time change of five hours is still settling into my bones. Most of me thinks it’s nighttime, except for my brain. It knows.

I’ve not been on the socials much the last two weeks, which is strange since I have a book coming out in 12 days. But as an ADHD-er, I’m not great at focusing on multiple things at once. I tend to bury my head for days, weeks, even months at a time and don’t come up for air until one single task is complete.

The new book is exciting and very gay, and my god, did it turn out pretty. (Thanks Sourcebooks.) Full color, heavily designed. She’s a beaut! But I’m not going to talk a bunch about her right now… I’ll post a link at the bottom so you can check her out if you want. She’ll be good for the gay boys—help ’em find a man, be good to a man, keep a man.

What I really wanted to tell you about is a new project.

I feel sort of like I might have just written my opus. Not every book has felt this way to me, except for the very first, very bad one I named Closet Monsters, which didn’t end up being the instant classic I was sure it would be. My mom did ask me about it the other day—called it “the Cookie Monster book”… and we both deserved it. The book and the author.

About this new one. I found an agent for it. Carleen Geisler. I like her. She’s a grown up. And she’s organized… spreadsheets and adding me to files. I love that. I’m not that, but I love that. This new book is so special to me. As writers, we put our hearts and souls into all the things we create, but this one… I’ve never cried so much writing a book, editing and revising a book. It just feels like something special happened and all these amazing characters came to life, and I love them all so much.

How do you love a character who isn’t alive? But that’s the thing, isn’t it? They are alive. Because they are parts of all of us. Every person we’ve ever known. It’s really something.

I sent off the new revision today, because Carleen said, “Revise this,” and so I did. I spent about a month and a half, day in and day out, crafting lines, deleting commas, refining, refining, refining. And I am tired from it. Just Exhausted. In a good way, but also… I’m a little sad it’s over. And I’m going to miss them. (For now.) Their little lives have impacted me and taught me so much about life, love, loneliness, connection, forgiveness, and accepting that the universe is… kind.

Whether or not it finds a publisher, I know what I did here. How hard I worked. How fucking deep I dug to reach for the meaning I know life holds. I’m proud to be a part of something that matters.

I feel sure this book will always be my little opus. I’ve worked on things I’ve desperately wanted to be good… hoping and hoping they would be. But I don’t think I’ve ever worked on something that did what this did to me. I couldn’t care less about what others think of it, and I mean that in the best way. The right way. I know what this story is, and in the strangest way, it feels like a friend. Like this book might just love me.

New projects will pop up, and I’ll write them. And I’ll do everything I can to make them beautiful. But this one? If I was a book…

If someone had asked, “What’s the book you’d most want to write?” I don’t think I ever could’ve come up with this one. It’s too… everything. Feels like this story found me. Like it was already out there somewhere, waiting—scattered music notes that just needed to be gathered into a song.

Last year, I sat down to think about the world and life, because I love them both very much. That was a while ago. And now I have this perfect little thing I’ll one day be able to leave behind.

What a wonder we are.

That’s all.

I hope you feel loved today. I hope Hope is reminding you all will be well. That it’s whispering something sweet to you, over your shoulder and into your ear.

I hope you are okay.

We go through some real shit, don’t we? And then we get to write about it—tell everyone else who’s going through theirs that all will be well… eventually.

Lucky us.

Love you.

Matt

Oh, and here’s the gay book coming out in 12 days! Click on image to check it out!